| January 1999 | ||||||
| SUN | MON | TUE | WED | THU | FRI | SAT |
| 1 | 2 | |||||
| 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |
| 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 |
| 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 |
| 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
| 31 | ||||||
Friday, January 1: My name isn't really Alice Ann, that's a name my mother called me when I was little, for no apparent reason. It somehow seemed appropriate for this site, a site about being 45 years old, not liking where I am in my life, and trying to build something meaningful for the years ahead. Anyone who knows me well will realize it's me, but it really isn't important if they do or not.I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I chose Fortune City as the location because London is about my favorite city in the whole world. I tease my daughter that I'm going to be the strange lady in Knightsbridge when I retire.
Saturday, January 2: What a total loss this day was! I didn't dress, unless you count changing into sweats at 8:00 in the evening to go to the Quick Trip to buy cigarettes as "dressing". No? Didn't think so. I did balance the check book, found out how much money wasn't there after Christmas. It seems like the whole rest of my life is tied up with money. How do people without a lot of money get a divorce? What do they do about things like house payments? Alberto says I'm materialistic to worry about this kind of thing, to think I have to plan before I move out. I don't even have a job, so how in the world am I supposed to support my daughter and I? I'd like to see an attorney, maybe get some answers, but that takes money too.I did some consulting during the month of December, and have another week to go sometime during January, so when I get paid for that I'll make an appointment with an attorney and hopefully get some guidance. It seems like divorce is about so many things other than one's heart and one's emotional well-being. Is that accurate, or is my perspective warped?
Sunday, January 3: I just realized how many days I would categorize as a total loss, if I thought about it at the end of the day. I'm thinking about it at the end of this one, and that's the conclusion I come to. I think my motivation level is somewhere in the -50 range!
Mnday, January 4: Dare I say it? Another wasted day! I had my nails done this morning, a treat I give myself every two weeks, but other than that - zip. There is something majorly wrong with my stomach. No need to go into a lot of colorful details, but pain and fever enough to send me to bed for most of the day. Just a little time out to write this, and answer an email to Alberto. Dear man, he believes I don't care about him. Oh, how wrong he is! I can, however, certainly see why he believes as he does. After all, I've been planning to leave this marriage for the entire time I've known him, which is three years now. I know I'm 100% sincere about wanting to leave, so am I just a huge chicken, or what?When I got home from having my nails done there was a message on the machine from Jane, but I've not listened to it yet. These hermit tendencies have got to come to a stop real soon!
Tuesday, January 5: Today was my 45th birthday. I had my haired trimmed and colored this afternoon, and tonight I laid in my room and watched a movie and ate canned soup. I received an email from Alberto this morning saying "yu have a good one :)". Then he wasn't around at all, when he's normally online all evening every evening. Looks like he had a good time tonight! I sometimes think it is impossible for me to ever be happy. Getting out of here will help, maybe bring me back to neutral, or closer to it at any rate, but happy? I think thats unattainable. Happy Birthday.
Wednesday, January 6: I'm tempted to say today was another wasted day, except I did spend the day trying to soothe the problem with my stomach, and it is considerably better tonight, but not well yet. Since I didn't return Jane's phone call, I received an email from her today, which I did answer, and made plans to have lunch with Deanna on Friday. For me, at this particular point in my life, it's doing good to get out of the house and communicate with others. Jane and Deanna both would be good to ask about a divorce lawyer, in addition to being fun to spend time with. I didn't like the guy I saw once before, so need to know someone different to call.Alberto's response to not being around last night was that "knowing you, i knew you'd take it like that, but of course it wasn't meant that way". So, he knew I'd be hurt, did it anyway, and now I'm wondering just how it was "meant". It's interesting that he can make me feel better than just about anyone else, but he can also make me feel more worthless than anyone else. Also seems funny that being hurt is somehow my fault.
Saturday, January 9: I know, I didn't write anything for a couple of days, but there's a very good explanation. I couldn't. Sometimes I get so depressed, for lack of a better word, that I really can't communicate with anyone or anything, even a computer screen. My stomach is still causing me problems, and a phone call from my dad, although done for all the right reasons didn't make it any better."Have you called the doctor yet about your stomach?"
"No, I haven't, I thought I'd wait and see how it was doing next week, and if it's not a lot better, I'll call."
"Well, I don't mean to scare you (which always means it's something scary, right?), but your Aunt Janice went to the emergency room with the same symptoms, but then felt better so left without ever seeing a doctor, and about six months later they diagnosed her with colon cancer."
Yep, that scared me all right, for a whole lot of reasons. Cancer is scary all on it's own, without any help from anything else, but then I wondered if I even had medical insurance. My severance stopped the end of December, and I didn't take COBRA because I was certain I would have found another job by then. I'm pretty sure I'm on my husband's medical insurance, but I really don't want any help from him, and even if I found another job really soon, there's usually a waiting period for coverage, and if I started another job and then had to be off a great deal for some kind of hair-removing cancer treatment, I'd probably loose the job. But does that mean I also have to stay here? Staying here is about as bad as having cancer! So, I'll call the doctor on Monday and see what's going on in there.
Why can't this be easier? One of my favorite songs, "This Kiss" by Faith Hill: "All I wanted was a white knight, good heart, soft touch, fast horse."
Sunday, January 10: My daughter and I went to see "Stepmom" this afternoon. What a great movie! I'm really blessed to have the daughter I have, and don't know what I'd do without her. She's my social life, and in my depression seems to be the only person I care about being around, with the exception of Alberto, who doesn't want to be around me.I've not heard anything from him since yesterday morning, and didn't see him online at all last night. My first reaction is to assume he had a date, and although in my head I know I should be happy for him to be with someone, it hurts like hell. The idea of him being warm and affection and caring with another women isn't a pleasant one. I keep telling myself it could be nothing more than problems with his PC, or his provider, they've had outages before, but it doesn't make me feel much better. I want him to be with me, but I can't be there right now, so there is no reason at all for him not to be with someone else, and if he finds someone else he wants to be with permanently, then it's my own fault for taking so long to get out of here. I know all of these things in my head, but my heart still hurts.
Sunday, January 13: I haven't written for a couple of days. Just simple lack of motivation. My stomach has been bothering me still, but don't want to use my husband's medical insurance to go to the doctor, so am trying to just deal with it unti I get medical insurance of own.I should write about what has been going on with Alberto, and the disgusting things he's been saying, but it's too difficult to talk about that right now. All I'll say is that I can't imagine he actually believes the horrid things he's been saying, but if he does, there is no reason for me to talk to him again at all.